I wish I was enough

When I was younger I was always the friend that everybody wanted around. I wasn’t rich or anything like that, but I was reliable and trustworthy so friends I had seemed to like me for that. I was the one they came to with their worries and struggles yet rarely were any of them there with time for me if I needed help. When I no longer had any use for them, I’d be dumped from the social group. It took me years of bad experiences to realise that I wasn’t so much the wanted friend, I was actually the usable friend.

It happened again at University, in certain jobs too so I started to avoid friendship circles as much as possible, deciding that my own company was better than being someones friend with an unknown expiry date attached. I wasn’t enough, I didn’t quite fit.

Even now in adult life, it still happens. I seem to attract a lot of people who need me for a certain time whilst I have a use and then they bugger off! For a very long time I stopped trusting people assuming they’d all treat me the same and that this was the pattern that would always happen, the disposable friend that was never enough to be wanted longer term.  Anxiety plays an extra role in this too, telling me constantly that I’m not worthy of people. Because, well, anxiety is a twat! Even the few friends I have that I have great close relationships with, in the back of my mind I’m always ready for them to stop caring for or needing me. Waiting for the day they decide I’m not enough. Because, after years of feeling like this, I still believe I’m not enough.

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This isn’t a pity party post by the way, it’s the thing I thought of at the last minute to write about for this weeks ‘Finish the sentence Friday’ group hosted by the fabulous Finding Ninee

A mini interview with Chris

We first met Chris in 2017 (face to face, I’d followed his page a long while). Eliza is in his book ‘What we love most about life’. Since then we’ve become very close friends and Eliza adores spending time with him. I’ve had the honour of reading his upcoming novel, Underdogs, which is incredible and is released next month! He’s one of our favourite geeky humans in the world and here are his answers to my questions:

Tell us a little about yourself

I’m a special needs tutor, formerly a primary school teacher, and I run the website Autistic Not Weird. Since starting it I’ve also become an international speaker and autism trainer, and a published author too- which wasn’t the plan but I love how it turned out!

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Chris Bonnello

What is your connection to autism?

Being autistic myself, diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of 25. Having grown up before knowledge of autism was widespread, and being described as having a “slightly odd personality” in an official report at the age of ten.

What made you start a Facebook page/blog?

I left mainstream teaching in December 2014, having also worked in special education. In the gap between teaching and tutoring, I really came to miss having the opportunity to build up autistic people. So I thought I’d start up a website to write about autism while I was getting anxious and failing job interviews for a living.

Do you think there is enough support and resources in your area for autistic people and their families?

I waited literally five years between my diagnosis and my first follow-up appointment, so not particularly.

What are your thoughts about how autism is portrayed in the media?

We’re certainly heading in the right direction, although we’ll never get it perfect. Autism is just too wide and varied a spectrum for everyone to be represented accurately. But at the very least, we’ve moved on from the Rain Man days and started listening to feedback from people who are actually autistic!

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Chris and Eliza, Sept 2018

What 3 books, related to autism, would you recommend to people?

(Not sure whether I can recommend my own. XD Happy to skip this one actually.)

Tell us about your novel that is due to be published next month.

Underdogs is a near-future war novel featuring autistic (and otherwise neurodiverse heroes). The whole of Britain has been taken over and imprisoned in giant walled citadels, under the watchful eye of countless cloned soldiers. Only a dozen people remain free in the abandoned countryside, eight of whom are teenagers who escaped the attack on their special school. Now they’re Britain’s last line of defence, learning how to play to their strengths in a world that’s always defined them by their weaknesses.

Turns out there’s quite a demand for neurodiversity in fiction- Underdogs has now had 2.5 times as many copies pre-ordered as the average novel sells in its opening year (and we’re not even at Day One yet!). It’s been endorsed by Steve Silberman (author of Neurotribes) and by Carol Povey of the National Autistic Society, which I’m utterly thrilled about, and I can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction once it’s released. Not least because the publisher has already accepted the sequel!

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What do you hope the future holds for you as a writer and for your advocacy work?

I’ve never had any idea how to answer this question! I’m honoured to have such a well-read platform for my autism advocacy, astounded that people have even given me awards for it, and events such as having a novel published and speaking at Sydney Opera House have been totally outside anything I ever dreamed of in my teaching career. I think maintaining what I already have is absolutely enough. Although I’d love for the Underdogs series to be successful enough to continue beyond its current two volumes- I have four planned in total!

What would you like the world to know about autism?

I don’t think there’s enough room for me to answer that question! But mainly, I want the world to know that we get to be individuals too rather than just walking diagnoses; that the world becomes better for autistic people when we’re defined by our strengths rather than just our weaknesses; and that opportunities to play to our strengths do wonders for our self-perception.

 

You can find Chris on Facebook here: Autistic Not Weird

Website: ANW Website

Chris’s novel can be ordered here: Underdogs

Chris’s book ‘What we love most about life’: WWLMAL

My fears for the future for my autistic daughter

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Every parent has fears about the future, it’s natural to worry about the unknown because we want to protect, guide and support our children as much as possible and for as long as possible and the future cannot be predicted. I have the same worries as most parents – finding the right schools, finding out she’s being bullied and a whole bunch of other things. When you have an autistic child, a whole new bunch of fears come in to the picture.

Eliza likes to chat about the future, she loves to be involved and it helps her anxiety if she can openly talk about things. We’ve already been talking that she’ll go to a new School one day as she outgrows her Primary setting. She’s ten this year so we’re talking High Schools as this coming September when it is EHCP review time, we’ll also start planning for the changes to come when she’s in her final year. Now we all know there are not enough schools, let alone schools that will be able to meet her needs. Hence, we’ve already been in contact with some and are hopeful they have space for her when transition time starts but it’s a worry that there won’t be one for her.

Every week I hear of services and therapies being cut back due to lack of money. Eliza’s current school provide pretty much all she needs including speech therapy, occupational therapy and they even helped us get on the SEN dentist treatment list. But it won’t always be this easy. What will be available for her when she’s ready to leave school? What services will still exist? We already know about the fight to move from DLA to PIP, they certainly don’t make it easy that’s for sure. I want Eliza to be as independent as possible, she has already told me she doesn’t want to live at home forever and she’d like to live in some kind of supported living arrangement. Again, there are nowhere near enough of these places. I’m hopeful that more will exist, or a suitable alternative.

My biggest fear is knowing that I’m not going to be here forever. I’m not immortal, I will die one day, and I want to make sure she’s had as much guidance, love and support as she can to help her take on this crazy world as an adult. She is strong, confident and intuitive but also vulnerable. Vulnerable to those that could take advantage of her kind nature. Vulnerable to those that could manipulate or bully her. Vulnerable to her own feelings, she’s an empath and feels extremely deeply so we often talk about this and come up with ways for her to help her control the strong emotions she feels, how to process and filter through them and most importantly, how to take a step back and allow her own well being and mental health time for calm and recovery.

She’s only ten this year, but Eliza’s already overcome so much and she’s aware of how much we have to fight for services, therapies, school placements, EHCP’s. She’s a confident and very academically able child, she understands more than most people assume. I will never stop encouraging her to have her own opinion and to stand up for what she believes in because one day she’ll be doing this without me.

 

*** This was written for the Firefly blog which can be found here: Fears for the future

Interview with the author of ‘UNDERDOGS’ – a novel with special needs heroes written by Chris Bonnello

For those that may not know you, tell us about yourself.

My name’s Chris, and I’m the writer behind Autistic Not Weird (http://autisticnotweird.com), diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome at the age of 25. After I left primary school teaching I launched my website to talk both personally and professionally about autism, and it’s taken off a bit better than expected! Three years on I’ve won three awards for my advocacy and given over fifty autism talks, some internationally (including at Sydney Opera House!). I’m also a special needs tutor, a Boys’ Brigade captain, an enormous chess geek and a soon-to-be-published novelist.

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Chris Bonnello

Can you explain why the title has been changed from Guerrillas to Underdogs?

It was a joint decision between myself and the publisher, because it’s far more suited to the themes of the book and its characters. Whereas Guerrillas simply means “we pick up guns and shoot them”, Underdogs alludes to the war their fighting (with odds ridiculously against them), the size and age of their army, and the characters themselves who have grown up being made to believe they’re inferior. And besides, who doesn’t love a good underdog story?

 

When did you start writing Underdogs and what inspired you to write it?

Underdogs has gone through a bunch of incarnations, but the very, very first draft was in 2010, back when it was named Guerrillas. I wanted to write the ultimate underdog story: a novel series where the good guys were almost mathematically certain to lose, but would fight anyway. Hilariously, writing the book was also a coping mechanism for my unemployment at the time, giving me something to do with my days. It was clearly never going to get published, but that wasn’t the point of it. And now it’s literally being published, with over 400 copies sold already.

 

Some of the characters are from Special Education. What made you decide to go with this amazing idea?

In 2014 I was working at a special school, and looked at Underdogs again. The thought of having the main characters being teenagers from a special school crossed my mind, and the more I thought about it the more I felt it absolutely had to happen. Not only would it be a unique idea in the dystopia field, but also there’d be major opportunities to discuss important topics. Underdogs would become a novel that would actually have something to say.

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There are some powerful messages/life lessons in the story. What do you hope readers will take away from the book?

I don’t want Underdogs to be too preachy: underneath everything else, it’s an intense action novel filled with loveable characters, and as a novel it should be seen that way. With that said, there are massive opportunities to be taken (and a lot of responsibility on my part) to make sure the reader is richer from the experience of reading. I want neurodiverse readers to experience a novel where they can identify with the main characters, and see people similar to them who go through massive challenges due to their conditions but do incredible things anyway. I want neurotypical readers to leave the book with a better understanding of teenagers with special needs: not just what makes them different, but also the largely unspoken common ground they have with other teenagers.

Finally, I want all the book’s readers to gain a little more insight into what happens when those defined by their weaknesses get a chance to play to their strengths.

 

What themes/genres does Underdogs fit?

Aside from the obvious young adult/dystopia genres, there’s an up and coming genre called “disability-lit”, which Underdogs is perhaps around the edges of.

As for themes… I’d say the big ones are the difficulties of being an underdog (both in the war sense and in the special needs sense, these characters have been raised to believe they’re “inferior” to those they’re fighting to save), and trying to be the best you can be when the world is not on your side.

 

Is there a certain age range the book is more suitable for?

I’d say “12+”, which obviously is an age range that includes adults. It has that Harry Potter/Hunger Games cross-age-range appeal, written for teenagers but adults are likely to love it just as much. Among its dozen or so beta readers, both teenagers and adults have been equally enthusiastic.

 

Underdogs is available in paperback and eBook once published. Is there any possibility of an audiobook version?

A lot of people have asked this. Unbound Publishing have told me that it’s rare that they do audiobooks, but they will if the book’s wildly successful and proves that there’s a level of demand for it!

 

Who is your favourite character in Underdogs and why?

I’d say it’s a tie between Jack, a 17-year-old lad with Asperger’s who understands computers better than people, and Dr McCormick who leads the Underdogs as a calm, guiding force who loves building people. Jack is a loyal, honest (sometimes too honest) young man who helps his friends put things into perspective, and a nice dry sense of humour. McCormick is like Dumbledore and Uncle Iroh from Avatar: The Last Airbender rolled into one, except a mathematics lecturer.

Kate comes close behind though. She suffers massively from anxiety but makes a point of confronting absolutely everything that makes her nervous. She is by far the bravest character in the whole Underdogs universe.

 

Will there be more Underdogs books to follow?

Oh yes. I’m on book three already! Obviously, the reception to book one will determine whether the publisher will except book two, but going by Underdogs’ performance so far I think we can afford to be optimistic.

 

As the author, tell everyone why you think the world needs a book like Underdogs.

Because representation matters. Meaningful, accurate representation of neurodiversity in fiction is so rare, and most neurodiverse characters in novels (or movies) are either tokenistic or based on stereotypes. Underdogs, if it performs well, may be a key part in the battle for representation as well as being a heart-pounding action novel in its own right.

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There are some incredible rewards with the purchase of the book including having your name printed in the book and meeting the author himself. Underdogs can be ordered here: Underdogs

Another New Year

How did 2019 arrive so fast? In the blink of an eye it is here and everything is back to ‘normal’ after a very festive period. The first week of January was stolen from us by the winter sickness bug, both children as its victims. Eliza coped really well considering she hates feeling and being sick. In fact, she’s got the patient thing perfected by really playing on it to her advantage. “Mummy, can you bring me a teddy…… can you get me a drink please……. I need ice cream…… because I’m poorly”. Each request met with a cheeky grin when she felt a little better. I’m glad the bug has gone away. I’m very glad it never grabbed me as well! A day of cleaning every single surface and floor made me feel a whole lot better after a week of germs.

School has been back for one week already. Just like that, a brand new term started. Eliza came home today with two awards. One for excellent reading and the other for completing 10 metres front crawl in swimming. She’s had a great first week back although the first few early mornings were a struggle and she actually napped on the journey to school. She has homework to do this weekend, write an essay about her Christmas holidays. Eliza is not a fan of written work, her fine motor skills are poor so she struggles but she loves Christmas, I mean REALLY LOVES it, so she’s happy to write all about it. We might be in January, we might have taken the tree down and all decorations, but she’s still singing Christmas songs and watching Christmas films and asking how many sleeps until Santa comes again. Once we get to the summer holidays (wow they seem so far away in July and August) she knows her favourite times are about to start – Halloween, Bonfire Night & the whole run up to Christmas. First though, she has a birthday to look forward to. In March she enters the double figures…… 10!!! She’s so ready, I’m so not! How is she growing up so fast?

2019 will be whatever it is. I’ve entered it with a fresh mind, no expectations or demands but a hopeful and positive attitude. This time last year I was in a dark place, needing therapy and medication to help me get through everything. A year later and for the first time in years I actually feel like me and I’m remembering who I am. It’s refreshing so I’m taking that with me this year. Working on me a bit more as I’m an expert at neglecting my own needs and putting other first. I have some amazing friends and family behind me so feeling very loved and lucky.

Enjoy your year, whatever it brings you. The past is called the past for a reason, don’t waste too much time pondering what should be left behind. No matter what the years brings, chase it and embrace it. Forward is the way, always forward.

This has been a blog prompt from the great ‘Finish the sentence Friday’ group based around ‘OMG, It’s January!’ and hosted by the fabulous Finding Ninee and Undiagnosed but okay

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Are you tired of characters with special needs being tokenised and based on stereotypes, or being the victims rather than the heroes? This novel will interest you!

I recently did an interview with the fabulous Chris Bonnello who runs the popular website and Facebook page ‘Autistic Not Weird’. You can read that interview here: Chris’s Interview. The Pre-Order phase for the novel is still running until the second week of December so if you wanted to not only order the book, but grab some of the amazing rewards, (including having your name printed in the book or meeting the author) then now is the time to do it. If you know someone who may love a book like this that features heroes from special education with conditions including PDA, Autism and ADHD, please tell them about the book too. Thank you.

You can order the book here: Guerrillas order page.

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You can see Chris’s incredible autism advocacy at Autistic Not Weird

If anyone wishes to have the above poster image emailed to them so they can print it, email it to others etc then please send me a private message over at Living with Blooming Autism.

 

 

Interview with the author of Guerrillas – a novel with special needs heroes written by Chris Bonnello

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Chris Bonnello who runs the very popular Facebook page Autistic Not Weird. Chris is a very close friend of mine, we met via our Facebook pages and he kindly added Eliza as one of the 150 children in his book What We Love Most About Life and now he’s about to become a published author of the novel ‘Guerrillas’. I’ve had the pleasure of reading the book already and it really is incredible. Action scenes that had me on the edge of my seat, some great humor and inspiring messages inside the story. Oh and at one point I swore at Chris for a certain scene that literally made my pulse race with anticipation! Don’t worry, no spoilers. Guerrillas is a book where the heroes are from Special Education with Autism, Anxiety, ADHD, Down Syndrome and PDA. I’ll add the link to where you can pre-order Guerrillas at the end of the interview.

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For those that may not know you, tell us about yourself.

My name’s Chris, and I’m the writer behind Autistic Not Weird (http://autisticnotweird.com), diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome at the age of 25. After I left primary school teaching I launched my website to talk both personally and professionally about autism, and it’s taken off a bit better than expected! Three years on I’ve won three awards for my advocacy and given over fifty autism talks, some internationally (including at Sydney Opera House!). I’m also a special needs tutor, a Boys’ Brigade captain, an enormous chess geek and a soon-to-be-published novelist.

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Chris Bonnello – Autism Advocate, Writer , Chess Geek… Also known as Captain Quirk!

 

When did you start writing Guerrillas and what inspired you to write it?

Guerrillas has gone through a bunch of incarnations, but the very, very first draft was in 2010. I wanted to write the ultimate underdog story: a novel series where the good guys were almost mathematically certain to lose, but would fight anyway. Hilariously, writing the book was also a coping mechanism for my unemployment at the time, giving me something to do with my days. It was clearly never going to get published, but that wasn’t the point of it. And now it’s literally being published, with over 350 copies sold already and we’re not even halfway through the pre-order phase!

Some of the characters are from Special Education. What made you decide to go with this amazing idea?

In 2014 I was working at a special school, and looked at Guerrillas again. The thought of having the main characters being teenagers from a special school crossed my mind, and the more I thought about it the more I felt it absolutely had to happen. Not only would it be a unique idea in the dystopia field, but also there’d be major opportunities to discuss important topics. Guerrillas would become a novel that would actually have something to say.

There are some powerful messages/life lessons in the story. What do you hope readers will take away from the book?

I don’t want Guerrillas to be too preachy: underneath everything else, it’s an intense action novel filled with loveable characters, and as a novel it should be seen that way. With that said, there are massive opportunities to be taken (and a lot of responsibility on my part) to make sure the reader is richer from the experience of reading. I want neurodiverse readers to experience a novel where they can identify with the main characters, and see people similar to them who go through massive challenges due to their conditions but do incredible things anyway. I want neurotypical readers to leave the book with a better understanding of teenagers with special needs: not just what makes them different, but also the largely unspoken common ground they have with other teenagers.

Finally, I want all the book’s readers to gain a little more insight into what happens when those defined by their weaknesses get a chance to play to their strengths.

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What themes/genres does Guerrillas fit?

Aside from the obvious young adult/dystopia genres, there’s an up and coming genre called “disability-lit”, which Guerrillas is perhaps around the edges of.

As for themes… I’d say the big ones are the difficulties of being an underdog (both in the war sense and in the special needs sense – these characters have been raised to believe they’re “inferior” to those they’re fighting to save), and trying to be the best you can be when the world is not on your side.

Is there a certain age range the book is more suitable for?

I’d say “12+”, which obviously is an age range that includes adults. It has that Harry Potter/Hunger Games cross-age-range appeal, written for teenagers but adults are likely to love it just as much. Among its dozen or so beta readers, both teenagers and adults have been equally enthusiastic.

Guerrillas is available in paperback and eBook once published. Is there any possibility of an audiobook version?

A lot of people have asked this. Unbound Publishing have told me that it’s rare that they do audiobooks, but they will if the book’s wildly successful and proves that there’s a level of demand for it!

Who is your favorite character in Guerrillas and why?

I’d say it’s a tie between Jack, a 17-year-old lad with Asperger’s who understands computers better than people, and Dr McCormick who leads the Guerrillas as a calm, guiding force who loves building people. Jack is a loyal, honest (sometimes too honest) young man who helps his friends put things into perspective, and a nice dry sense of humour. McCormick is like Dumbledore and Uncle Iroh from Avatar: The Last Airbender rolled into one, except a mathematics lecturer.

Kate comes close behind though. She suffers massively from anxiety but makes a point of confronting absolutely everything that makes her nervous. She is by far the bravest character in the whole Guerrillas universe.

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Will there be more Guerrillas books to follow?

Oh yes. I’m on book three already! Obviously, the reception to book one will determine whether the publisher will accept book two, but going by Guerrillas’ performance so far I think we can afford to be optimistic.

As the author, tell everyone why you think the world needs a book like Guerrillas.

Because representation matters. Meaningful, accurate representation of neurodiversity in fiction is so rare, and most neurodiverse characters in novels (or movies) are either tokenistic or based on stereotypes. Guerrillas, if it performs well, may be a key part in the battle for representation as well as being a heart-pounding action novel in its own right.

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If you want to, you can Pre-order Guerrillas here (It’s already over 100% funded but please don’t let that put you off, it can still be ordered).

***The first chapter of Guerrillas is available to read on the pre-order page too ***

There are a variety of order options available with exclusive rewards linked to the pre-orders including the chance to have your name (or someone else of your choice) in the book as a patron. We have a few copies coming, I’m putting one away for Eliza for when she’s ready in a couple of years time. She’s super excited that Chris is publishing a book. To those of you that order, I really hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

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