When I was younger I was always the friend that everybody wanted around. I wasn’t rich or anything like that, but I was reliable and trustworthy so friends I had seemed to like me for that. I was the one they came to with their worries and struggles yet rarely were any of them there with time for me if I needed help. When I no longer had any use for them, I’d be dumped from the social group. It took me years of bad experiences to realise that I wasn’t so much the wanted friend, I was actually the usable friend.
It happened again at University, in certain jobs too so I started to avoid friendship circles as much as possible, deciding that my own company was better than being someones friend with an unknown expiry date attached. I wasn’t enough, I didn’t quite fit.
Even now in adult life, it still happens. I seem to attract a lot of people who need me for a certain time whilst I have a use and then they bugger off! For a very long time I stopped trusting people assuming they’d all treat me the same and that this was the pattern that would always happen, the disposable friend that was never enough to be wanted longer term. Anxiety plays an extra role in this too, telling me constantly that I’m not worthy of people. Because, well, anxiety is a twat! Even the few friends I have that I have great close relationships with, in the back of my mind I’m always ready for them to stop caring for or needing me. Waiting for the day they decide I’m not enough. Because, after years of feeling like this, I still believe I’m not enough.
This isn’t a pity party post by the way, it’s the thing I thought of at the last minute to write about for this weeks ‘Finish the sentence Friday’ group hosted by the fabulous Finding Ninee
There are so many moments in life that define you. Sometimes you don’t even see them until long after the moment has passed. Memories are triggered by certain words, feelings, photographs, smells, tastes, a conversation….. and so many more things and often reflecting on the past can lead to the realisation that ‘Wow, that was a moment that changed my life’. One of those biggest moments for me was the day Eliza was born.
Eliza is ten this year. She was my first pregnancy and a joy to carry, I was never sick and bloomed throughout the pregnancy. She was a horrendous delivery, one of the scariest days of my life as well of one of the most beautiful. Eliza’s my first born. She entered this world in a dramatic, feisty diva style way and is a beautiful, confident, independent young lady that still retains that feisty diva side but with added pre-teen attitude and a sarcastic tainted sense of humour that she may have inherited from me. Having a baby changes you, of course it does, but sometimes in ways you don’t realise until you actually look back to that moment. There are the obvious physical changes and emotional changes but sometimes random little things too. For example, films or TV shows I used to love and watch before she was born I can’t watch now. It’s like my entire emotional workings has been rewritten and rewired with extra sympathy, empathy, fear and love than before. I feel so much more deeply. That probably sounds bizarre to some of you but I can’t imagine it’s just me that feels this way.
The day Eliza was born has helped create the person I am today. Despite my strange emotional reboot, I am so much stronger and confident. I feel a love that I had never felt before, for her and her younger brother (Yes despite the horrendous delivery, I did eventually go and have another baby and he made her delivery look like a dream! That’s a story for another day). I don’t view the world just through my own eyes anymore, I view it both through them and with them in mind constantly. I’ve tried things I probably would never have done without children. They are my world, my most precious loves.
This was written for the prompt ‘The day that changed me was…’ for the ‘Finish the sentence Friday’ group hosted by Finding Ninee and Mardra Sikora
How did 2019 arrive so fast? In the blink of an eye it is here and everything is back to ‘normal’ after a very festive period. The first week of January was stolen from us by the winter sickness bug, both children as its victims. Eliza coped really well considering she hates feeling and being sick. In fact, she’s got the patient thing perfected by really playing on it to her advantage. “Mummy, can you bring me a teddy…… can you get me a drink please……. I need ice cream…… because I’m poorly”. Each request met with a cheeky grin when she felt a little better. I’m glad the bug has gone away. I’m very glad it never grabbed me as well! A day of cleaning every single surface and floor made me feel a whole lot better after a week of germs.
School has been back for one week already. Just like that, a brand new term started. Eliza came home today with two awards. One for excellent reading and the other for completing 10 metres front crawl in swimming. She’s had a great first week back although the first few early mornings were a struggle and she actually napped on the journey to school. She has homework to do this weekend, write an essay about her Christmas holidays. Eliza is not a fan of written work, her fine motor skills are poor so she struggles but she loves Christmas, I mean REALLY LOVES it, so she’s happy to write all about it. We might be in January, we might have taken the tree down and all decorations, but she’s still singing Christmas songs and watching Christmas films and asking how many sleeps until Santa comes again. Once we get to the summer holidays (wow they seem so far away in July and August) she knows her favourite times are about to start – Halloween, Bonfire Night & the whole run up to Christmas. First though, she has a birthday to look forward to. In March she enters the double figures…… 10!!! She’s so ready, I’m so not! How is she growing up so fast?
2019 will be whatever it is. I’ve entered it with a fresh mind, no expectations or demands but a hopeful and positive attitude. This time last year I was in a dark place, needing therapy and medication to help me get through everything. A year later and for the first time in years I actually feel like me and I’m remembering who I am. It’s refreshing so I’m taking that with me this year. Working on me a bit more as I’m an expert at neglecting my own needs and putting other first. I have some amazing friends and family behind me so feeling very loved and lucky.
Enjoy your year, whatever it brings you. The past is called the past for a reason, don’t waste too much time pondering what should be left behind. No matter what the years brings, chase it and embrace it. Forward is the way, always forward.
This has been a blog prompt from the great ‘Finish the sentence Friday’ group based around ‘OMG, It’s January!’ and hosted by the fabulous Finding Ninee and Undiagnosed but okay