When I was younger I was always the friend that everybody wanted around. I wasn’t rich or anything like that, but I was reliable and trustworthy so friends I had seemed to like me for that. I was the one they came to with their worries and struggles yet rarely were any of them there with time for me if I needed help. When I no longer had any use for them, I’d be dumped from the social group. It took me years of bad experiences to realise that I wasn’t so much the wanted friend, I was actually the usable friend.
It happened again at University, in certain jobs too so I started to avoid friendship circles as much as possible, deciding that my own company was better than being someones friend with an unknown expiry date attached. I wasn’t enough, I didn’t quite fit.
Even now in adult life, it still happens. I seem to attract a lot of people who need me for a certain time whilst I have a use and then they bugger off! For a very long time I stopped trusting people assuming they’d all treat me the same and that this was the pattern that would always happen, the disposable friend that was never enough to be wanted longer term. Anxiety plays an extra role in this too, telling me constantly that I’m not worthy of people. Because, well, anxiety is a twat! Even the few friends I have that I have great close relationships with, in the back of my mind I’m always ready for them to stop caring for or needing me. Waiting for the day they decide I’m not enough. Because, after years of feeling like this, I still believe I’m not enough.
This isn’t a pity party post by the way, it’s the thing I thought of at the last minute to write about for this weeks ‘Finish the sentence Friday’ group hosted by the fabulous Finding Ninee
How did 2019 arrive so fast? In the blink of an eye it is here and everything is back to ‘normal’ after a very festive period. The first week of January was stolen from us by the winter sickness bug, both children as its victims. Eliza coped really well considering she hates feeling and being sick. In fact, she’s got the patient thing perfected by really playing on it to her advantage. “Mummy, can you bring me a teddy…… can you get me a drink please……. I need ice cream…… because I’m poorly”. Each request met with a cheeky grin when she felt a little better. I’m glad the bug has gone away. I’m very glad it never grabbed me as well! A day of cleaning every single surface and floor made me feel a whole lot better after a week of germs.
School has been back for one week already. Just like that, a brand new term started. Eliza came home today with two awards. One for excellent reading and the other for completing 10 metres front crawl in swimming. She’s had a great first week back although the first few early mornings were a struggle and she actually napped on the journey to school. She has homework to do this weekend, write an essay about her Christmas holidays. Eliza is not a fan of written work, her fine motor skills are poor so she struggles but she loves Christmas, I mean REALLY LOVES it, so she’s happy to write all about it. We might be in January, we might have taken the tree down and all decorations, but she’s still singing Christmas songs and watching Christmas films and asking how many sleeps until Santa comes again. Once we get to the summer holidays (wow they seem so far away in July and August) she knows her favourite times are about to start – Halloween, Bonfire Night & the whole run up to Christmas. First though, she has a birthday to look forward to. In March she enters the double figures…… 10!!! She’s so ready, I’m so not! How is she growing up so fast?
2019 will be whatever it is. I’ve entered it with a fresh mind, no expectations or demands but a hopeful and positive attitude. This time last year I was in a dark place, needing therapy and medication to help me get through everything. A year later and for the first time in years I actually feel like me and I’m remembering who I am. It’s refreshing so I’m taking that with me this year. Working on me a bit more as I’m an expert at neglecting my own needs and putting other first. I have some amazing friends and family behind me so feeling very loved and lucky.
Enjoy your year, whatever it brings you. The past is called the past for a reason, don’t waste too much time pondering what should be left behind. No matter what the years brings, chase it and embrace it. Forward is the way, always forward.
This has been a blog prompt from the great ‘Finish the sentence Friday’ group based around ‘OMG, It’s January!’ and hosted by the fabulous Finding Ninee and Undiagnosed but okay
This week in ‘Finish the sentence Friday’, the prompt is ‘Share 10 photos from your phone’ so here they are (It took me a while to choose ten as I have hundreds saved on my phone!!). You’ll see there is no theme or pattern, my photo’s are as random as daily life.
This is Rockingham Castle, about fifteen minutes drive from my house. Small but incredible. I’m a real History geek and I love visiting castles and historic buildings. I visited this one over summer during my 6 days of being child free, when the kids went away with their dad. The weather was incredible and I had the company of a friend I’ve known for more than 25 years.
These two argue and fight as siblings do but they have a beautiful bond that sometimes I’m lucky enough to capture in a photo. Noah loves sitting with Eliza but even at the age of four, he understand and accepts that she doesn’t always cope with contact and she needs her space. They really do love and understand each other.
Noah visiting one of our local Country Parks. We’d painted rocks with colourful pictures and uplifting quote on, and hid them for others to find on their walks. I love that time of year, when greenery is starting to show again but there are still crisp leaves on the ground. Warm enough to not need a huge coat but cool enough to get a hot chocolate in the cafe after.
In June of this year I visited Scotland for the first time in my life. Edinburgh was amazing, I loved the Castle and the historic streets. I visited the cafe where J.K Rowling wrote Harry Potter when she was poor and not famous at all. I walked the streets that were supposedly the inspiration for Diagon Alley. I saw men playing bagpipes in kilts and a guy dressed as William Wallace. One of my favourite photo’s is the one above. It might not look like much but that building you can see in the distance was where Mary, Queen of Scots was kept prisoner many years ago. You can read about it here On the 2 May 1568 Mary, Queen of Scots escaped Lochleven castle. Yep, I love history.
Eliza is always so happy to see Chris who runs Autistic Not Weird, he’s become a close friend of ours and we are lucky that we get to see him fairly often thanks to him living only one hour away. He is one of our very favourite humans. The frame they are holding was made by me. I love arts & crafts. I made one last year and again this year so I think I started some kind of birthday frame tradition! Eliza is so comfortable with Chris, confident enough to tease him (in a fun way) and she even has her own nicknames for him. He is a friendly, caring and fun guy that advocates so hard for autism awareness and acceptance. He’s also an incredible writer and I have had the privilege of reading most of his work to date. His first novel is going to be published very soon, you can check that out here (Yes shameless plug and no, I don’t care because I LOVE this book) Guerrillas by Chris Bonnello It’s a book full of Characters that are the heroes and they have various special/additional needs including autism, PDA, ADHD, anxiety and down syndrome.
Back in January, Noah and I went with his nursery on a trip to London. We had an amazing time and visited The Natural History Museum and the Science Museum. A day filled of space rockets, pictures of the moon, dinosaurs, skeletons…. he had a great day. First time on a coach for him as well as first time in big, busy and huge London and he coped really well and wants to go back again another day.
Back in 2016 I was able to see and walk through the carriages of the Hogwarts Express. I’m a huge Harry Potter fan so this was super exciting for me. It was the first time you could walk in to No.4 Privet drive too (And I did, and I was all emotional!!). I’ve been to the Warner Bros Studio Tours three times now, It’s time I booked visit number four…
One of my favourite places to visit in London is The British Museum. I’m a Classical Studies student so this is where I get my geek full on lol. I can spend hours in the Roman section but the place you’ll see me the most is where the Ancient Egyptian statues and mummies are. There are so many amazing photo’s I could keep on my phone from the museum, but this is the one that I love. Who is she? She is Hathor and she’s always fascinated me for many years. Twelve years ago I beat anxiety and a fear of large amounts of water to get in a tiny wobbly boat and sail across to the Temple of Philae. Why? Because it’s linked to Hathor. As we touched land I cried (partly the relief that I could get out of the boat, mainly because I was actually standing there at the temple). “Hathor was the golden goddess who helped women to give birth, the dead to be reborn, and the cosmos to be renewed. This complex deity could function as the mother, consort, and daughter of the creator god”.
This time last year I did a graffiti tour of London with a friend. She needed photographs for her photography degree and she wanted some company. We had a great day and very sore achy feet from covering miles and miles of London. I saw this on a wall next to some other posters and graffiti and just loved it. It speaks for itself really.
I LOVE THIS PHOTO. Taken on Eliza’s 9th birthday earlier this year and with all three of us being a bit cheeky. I love it because it reminds me no matter how down I feel when depression kicks in, I have these two little humans that are my world. When my anxiety is taking control, I look at photo’s like these. These are my babies. I grew them. I raise them. I keep them safe. They are everything. We’ve been through so much yet look at us all.
There are four of us living in this house. I used to say three of us as we are the ‘physical’ ones but we seem to have an extra one here a lot of the time. Yes, there is myself, Eliza (9), Noah (4) and anxiety (the uninvited and invisible guest that randomly becomes visible, usually at times when you wish it would just bugger off). This year has been a bit rocky, my own anxiety took control over me earlier in the year for a while but I’m starting to feel like me again and that I’m now back in control. Eliza’s anxiety is usually around social situations, especially in unfamiliar environments but there are random times it just consumes her as if it’s just reminding her it exists. For nine years of age, she handles her emotions pretty well and refuses to crumble when it makes an appearance. It can be tricky in our house, Eliza and I can either bounce off each others anxiety and get by or we can feed off each others anxiety and have a day where we need a little space from each other or more structured days where we both have the same agenda as much as possible.
Eliza wasn’t always anxious, she was quite an independent, feisty and confident child. Until regression dropped by (another uninvited but slightly more visible guest) and took away her speech, some of her fine motor skills and reversed a lot of her skills in general. She had to relearn how to hold a spoon, how to hold a pen and draw but most of all she had to learn to be Eliza again but without her words and that made her extremely angry and frustrated. We relied on Makaton sign language for communication and through this she started to make sounds with certain words that she signed and she’d often sit in the corner of the room with her cuddly toys, whispering the noises or letters she could say as if she was practising what she had gained back speech wise. It took a few years for her speech to return enough for the pediatrician and speech therapist to stop documenting her as a ‘non-verbal’ child. I can remember on a few occasions that if she pronounced a word slightly wrong it really made her anxious. She’d be very cross with herself and get upset. A year ago she watched a video of herself when she was younger. She was signing animal names and making the noises that they make. Back then she had around 10 spoken words. She looked happy to watch it but anxious and then she told me that she is scared her words will go away again. Sadly nobody has a crystal ball to see whether regression will strike again or something else but she’s doing amazingly well for a girl who had to wait a long time for those words and skills to return.
At the time her speech started to return, her anxiety suddenly rocketed. Everyone assumed that as she began talking again, her anxiety would decrease but it did the opposite. We became quite housebound for over the next year or so outside of school hours. Supermarkets were an absolute no go area, she just couldn’t cope with people, noises, busy places, sounds, smells…. complete sensory overload! Suddenly she couldn’t even face the cinema, soft play, parks, restaurants….. anxiety was taking control. I often used to think that it stemmed from the speech returning, the fear that she’d lose the speech again so she was shutting herself away from the world and guarding what she had taken back from regression. Now she is old enough to talk about it (when she wants to) she was able to give me her own thoughts…. “I didn’t like busy noise…….. too many people……. my words get messy…. they might laugh at me because my words don’t always work…”
That fear and anxiety that people would notice how she said things, how she struggled to pronounce some words. How she needed processing time to answer questions and they might think she’s ignoring them. How she sometimes doesn’t know how to answer so you get a scripted reply from a TV show or a plain yes or no. How they look at her and see a child that is of certain age but her language ability is that of a younger child’s. That pressure to be what other people expected was already taking up space in her mind. Eliza is an extremely intelligent child with a wonderful and adventurous personality but in the past she has often been told she can’t do things by teachers, pediatricians etc. It’s not that she can’t actually do things, it’s that they assume she can’t and therefore don’t even bother giving her a chance. But they tell her she can’t do stuff and that impacts her anxiety and her confidence partly as she’s unsure whether they are correct but also because she feels wronged by their decision. She may well not be able to do whatever it is she wants to try but at least let her try, that’s all she wants. Anxiety and her autism diagnosis were used on more than one occasion by certain people as an excuse to why they made decisions for her instead of with her. Eliza was also bullied for a while, both emotional and physical attacks. Her bully was a huge factor to her increase in anxiety to the point she’d have a panic attack in the car and couldn’t breathe if we even drove near where he was. (And sadly her being bullied was not taken very seriously by school at that time and was pretty much ignored).
Despite anxiety taking control of Eliza a lot of the time, she was still able to do ballet lessons, street dance, trampoline club, Rainbows (part of guides/brownies but for younger girls), after school cooking class and sports group and, possibly the best thing she ever did, equine therapy. So many people wrote her off, used her anxiety and her autism diagnosis as an excuse or simply went ahead and made decisions for her so we found a bunch of people/activities that welcomed her (and her anxiety) and allowed her to be herself and through them she gained confidence, pushed her own social boundaries and comfort zones, learnt social skills and improved her speech. Eliza was changing and finding her place in the world and she was starting to take control of her anxiety.
We moved house a couple of years ago to a different County which meant new area, new people and places, new school…. Lots of preparation went in to the move and she’s really changed since living here. We are lucky to live in an area that is close to a forest so we see lots of wildlife and have plenty of open spaces but we are less than fifteen minutes away from shops and town by car. Her School is amazing and she is thriving there. Reading at age 10-11 years, working hard in all lessons, learning to play a brass horn and the piano, taking part in sporting events and art shows. They just ‘get’ her completely. They support her greatly but they also allow her the independence she needs and most of all, they allow her to be Eliza. She still has anxiety at school although nowhere near as often as she did but she can get past it quicker with their support and understanding, she’s happy and comfortable enough to show them she is anxious but also able to take back control.
The last twelve to eighteen months has held a lot of changes for Eliza. Anxiety remains but rarely gets to show itself as she’s so used to it now, she’s able to distract herself or go have quiet time somewhere. Even on the rare occasion that anxiety starts to control her and she gets quite loud, tearful and stompy, she battles through it and attends whatever it was she was going to anyway. She won’t let anxiety beat her. She’s enjoying trips to the cinema again as well as the theatre for shows and plays. She’s loving being outdoors and has a huge list of places we can go, the boating lake is one of her favourites (which is crazily one of my least favourite places because, well, I just hate boats and lakes/rivers/seas/oceans….. but we go because she likes it there and she’s yet to ask to go on a boat lol). When anxiety does start to niggle at her, you’ll find her at the top of a hill, top of a climbing frame or the highest floor of a building where possible. This is how she copes. She likes the space and the height so she can look at her surroundings and calm down whilst deciding on her next move. Even shopping is back in play although she absolutely detests a couple of places that have very narrow and highly stocked aisles, she has a few she enjoys visiting.
As for me, my anxiety is fairly under control. I still have days where it seems to have a date with depression and they come along in tag team style and kick my arse for a while but I keep going. Therapy has helped and I remain on medication for the time being. I talk to a select couple of close friends about it which helps. I won’t go in to the long story of personal details of what caused my anxiety but I’ll share how it felt. Earlier in the year anxiety took complete control. I was having panic attacks, couldn’t walk in my own town without feeling that my legs were on fire and my vision blurring. I felt sick leaving the house and even going to a friend’s house made my legs shake. Even walking my son in to nursery, I felt like I’d pass out. A heavy-set feeling sat constantly on and in my chest and my heart was racing. I denied it for a while but it persists until it thinks it’s winning. Anxiety, oh how I hate you!
Self care is important, it really is and it’s something I have ignored for far too many years. I’m a masker. I hide behind a smile that is believable but fake. But I got away with it for so long it became the ‘norm’ and I forgot to actually look after myself. Instead, I filed everything in my brain to be sorted another day. But I never sorted it, I just added to it…. and added to it…. and added to it until my brain was full of things that I either didn’t want to think about or didn’t give/have time to think about. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and it was making daily life incredibly difficult. After reading some inspiring words that a friend had written about their past with anxiety, I made myself an appointment with the GP and got the help I needed and had avoided getting for so long. I didn’t want to notice my anxiety, I didn’t want to let it in. But there it was, that uninvited guest booking itself a room in my head. Anxiety wants to win. But I’m not going to let it.
Nowadays it’s a tug of war relationship, some days anxiety slightly leads until I pull it back over the line again. The way I get through it – I keep that hot tingly burning feeling in my feet as much as possible. When my legs start to burn I know anxiety has picked up the tug of war rope and fancies a test of strength. This is when I distract myself and find something to do (walking or rock painting are winners here). If the burning feeling gets above my waist level, it’s time to go home because anxiety is pretty much setting fire to the rope at this point and I’m losing my grip. Sometimes I just need to be home and have that safe ‘made it’ feeling and have a cup of tea. Sometimes I need short nap to regain my energy for the next test and have a cup of tea (Hey, I’m British. It’s what we do. Tea is the answer to everything!).