I wish I was enough

When I was younger I was always the friend that everybody wanted around. I wasn’t rich or anything like that, but I was reliable and trustworthy so friends I had seemed to like me for that. I was the one they came to with their worries and struggles yet rarely were any of them there with time for me if I needed help. When I no longer had any use for them, I’d be dumped from the social group. It took me years of bad experiences to realise that I wasn’t so much the wanted friend, I was actually the usable friend.

It happened again at University, in certain jobs too so I started to avoid friendship circles as much as possible, deciding that my own company was better than being someones friend with an unknown expiry date attached. I wasn’t enough, I didn’t quite fit.

Even now in adult life, it still happens. I seem to attract a lot of people who need me for a certain time whilst I have a use and then they bugger off! For a very long time I stopped trusting people assuming they’d all treat me the same and that this was the pattern that would always happen, the disposable friend that was never enough to be wanted longer term.  Anxiety plays an extra role in this too, telling me constantly that I’m not worthy of people. Because, well, anxiety is a twat! Even the few friends I have that I have great close relationships with, in the back of my mind I’m always ready for them to stop caring for or needing me. Waiting for the day they decide I’m not enough. Because, after years of feeling like this, I still believe I’m not enough.

harry-potter-voldemort-free-hugs-funny-duality

This isn’t a pity party post by the way, it’s the thing I thought of at the last minute to write about for this weeks ‘Finish the sentence Friday’ group hosted by the fabulous Finding Ninee

2 thoughts on “I wish I was enough”

  1. That’s interesting. I always get hung up that I don’t have that one best friend and never really have. I seem to attract a lot of different types and I’m a floater. I’ve been insecure about it for years, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel very much the same way, and started my post quite similarly. I recently started therapy because I realize that I don’t feel like enough, ever. It’s better since I’ve become a mom to Tucker, because I know nobody will do for him what I will, but still, it’s been a life-thing that I don’t feel like I’m enough. So I want to say to you and to myself, that we are AMAZING. You are so much enough, more than enough. You’re the best mom ever, and you are perfectly imperfect, in the perfect ways for her. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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