What am I afraid of?

What are you afraid of? Spiders? Mice? Flying?. Everyone has fears don’t they? (even if they don’t admit them or want to talk about them). I’m not a fan of mice or spiders but I can catch and remove them from the house without having a heart attack or passing out. Flying, I’m fine with although the popping of ears really annoys me and I’m not keen on the take off as the plane surges forward. I am afraid of many things, some deep and emotional things and other stuff that is completely stupid and pointless but I feel that way anyway.

Do you have children? I do. Eliza is 9 soon and Noah is 4. I am a single parent (and main carer to Eliza who is autistic with learning difficulties). I bet all parents have the same fear as I do – dying. For me it’s not so much about how I’ll die or when, it’s what I’ll leave behind and that includes those two beautiful little humans that rely on me every day. I’m terrified of dying when they are young. I want to be old and have seen them settle in life with their own families or a job they love. No parent should ever live longer than their child, a thought I can’t bear to ponder on as it just adds to my anxiety about the whole situation. As awful as it is to think about it, I often do. It’s like living in fear yet living with a need to make sure you do as much as possible now for the future. I worry for both of them but with extra worry for Eliza. Nobody knows what the future holds but she’ll ever live a fully independent life, she’s always going to need supervision and support. I worry about how she’d be without me so I spend a lot of time teaching her life skills and talking her through situations and scenarios and I often push her comfort zones. I once saw a picture on another Facebook page and I’ve never forgotten it. It was from a lovely page I follow called Forehead kisses – Our Awesome Autism page and this was the picture..

ihujkn

I found it so emotional to read. But that’s what we do for our children, teach them how to live independently because one day, we won’t be here for them. So yeah, I fear dying but not for the actual dying part.

**You should check out that beautiful page, it’s been wonderful watching Brodie growing up (who now has left school and has his own business)**

I’m afraid of driving yet I drive most days although mainly short distances. I’ve thrown up on the driveway before at just the thought of getting in the car! My legs shake, I start to cough (you know that kind of annoying anxiety induced back if throat cough) and I have to sometimes talk myself in to driving (I’m actually fine once in the car). I was in the passenger seat of a car once when the driver was going too fast on a country lane, skidded and we ended up in a ditch. I had an accident where I was the driver years ago when heavily pregnant with Eliza. My car was a total write off and the road I was on was dark with nothing in walking distance. It was raining heavily and thundering. I stood in the dark in the rain with my almost 7 month baby bump, waiting to be rescued and not a single driver stopped to help. I’ve also been a passenger that felt nothing but helpless fear when my husband had a massive panic attack in the car and started shaking and shut his eyes whilst he was driving. I had to calm him fast and help him pull in to a lay by. A very small baby Eliza was fast asleep in the back of the car. I then had to drive us home, my first time ever on a motorway and only 7 months after my own accident. I HATE DRIVING!!! But I need to. The kids have appointments, Eliza’s school in 35 mins away, shopping etc. I also do it because I don’t want to let fear and anxiety win. So I push my own comfort zones.

I’m scared of sharks! Like forgetting I can breathe, sweaty palms, legs buckling under me scared. Doesn’t matter which type, they are all scary! Yes, go ahead and laugh. It’s a totally ridiculous fear to have. I live in the UK, pretty central/midlands area with absolutely NO possibility of meeting a shark unless I visit the sea-life centers. But nonetheless, they terrify me. I’ve been in the sea-life places before and walked through those glass tunnels where sharks lay over the top or swim by. A giggling and happy Eliza or Noah have a blast. They look in amazement at these things. Me…. eyes straight ahead at the exit and do not engage eye contact with the sharks, I repeat do not engage eye contact with the sharks…… FEAR!! The stupidest fear I have but it’s there. I only agreed to go swimming in the ocean in Australia after I asked my brother about 30,000 times if he was pretty sure I’d not meet any sharks (and that if I did, he’d wrestle them until they spat me out if they ate me). I’ve had many nightmares involving sharks attacking me, eating me, swimming around me in circles and even being trapped in a cage with a shark…… STUPID FEAR!!

gh

**Avoids eye contact with shark picture**

Other than totally waffling my way through this blog, I find it interesting that the three things I chose to share are so different and have come about because of life and situations (other than the sharks, NO IDEA where that came from). That emotional deep-rooted fear about dying too soon, the circumstance induced fear because of cars and accidents and the just stupid irrational ‘did God throw that in for a laugh’ fear.

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. This week’s topic is “I’m afraid of/that…” hosted by Finding Ninee by Kristi Rieger Campbell and Sporadically Yours

 

 

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Author: Julie Clarke

Mum to 2 children - Eliza diagnosed ASD at age 3. Younger Sibling, Noah. I run a Facebook page called 'Living with Blooming Autism'.

11 thoughts on “What am I afraid of?”

  1. Driving is a frightening thing because there are so many factors we cannot control. And that makes me sad to think no one stopped to help you–alone, pregnant and hurt! Scary moments, but it sounds like you are conquering them just fine!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. With this post, we are SOOOOO alike. I for real for real didn’t want to write about driving. When I was little I thought everyone was supposed to have a car accident after they got their drivers license. I just thought it was a thing. My parents would get a call that so and so was in a car accident and I knew they were a new driver and that always bothered me. I never knew whose fault it was, and thankfully no one ever died but that feeling always stayed with me. As a new driver I got in a car accident and I was fine, and it wasn’t my fault but because I was a new driver, that was what I cried about when it was all over. And don’t get me started with sharks. I was two-ish years old when my parents went to a drive-in movie to see Jaws. I was supposed to be asleep in the back seat. I was not. Fears SUCK.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You know I “get” the dying part. I certainly do…
    As for the rest:
    Mice – I WOULD pass out, no doubt in my mind.
    Driving: I have not driven on the highway in 17 years (and I don’t even have an accident to blame) – the very last time I was on the highway – I did not think I would be able to control the overwhelming urge stop right where I was, get out and run away screaming. Panic attacks – oh yes! I’ll take the back roads, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Gah. The dying stuff. Seems we’re all afraid of that, in a big huge way (because HELLO DYING is scary and horrible and leaving our kids alone without us is scary and horrible… but, the opposite? Even more terrifying!). Gah! Sharks… I’m *kinda* afraid of them but I love scuba diving so much… I think if I saw a shark, I’d just be excited. Or, have a heart attack because SHARK.
    To the driving. I love driving but I’m afraid of car accidents. So glad you linked up again!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, wow, I can certainly understand where your fear of driving comes from! Those were such frightening experiences.
    I can just picture you walking, with your eyes straight ahead, but you are a great Mom to take them to places where you weren’t the most comfortable, so that your fears wouldn’t become their fears.
    Now that my Mom is 101, I sometimes think about what if I were to die before she does. I’ve heard stories where that has been the case and the parent in a nursing home has no living family members left to visit. I try to push that thought aside and hope that I will have the longevity genes too, although hopefully not with the Alzheimer’s.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. “… I find it interesting that the three things I chose to share are so different “… ain’t that the cool (aka semi-scary) thing about bloghops with their innocuous seeming prompt words? (For myself) I start out thinking, “easy one! this will have ’em in the aisles” and at some point I’m, like, where did that come from?! lol

    Like

  7. Given your driving experiences, I think you are a rock star for getting behind the wheel! But you have to do it for your kids, so you do. I bet you’d even wrestle a shark if you had to do it for your children;)

    Like

  8. That is SO scary to be witnessing a driver having a panic attack. I once had a panic attack while driving and luckily I was in the country and pulled into a fire station until I got my bearings.
    The dying thing I get so much because my father died when I was little and I always look at my kids and think how lucky they are that hasn’t happened to them!

    Like

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